A Fabulous Fic Fit For A Limpet
by hollylizzy
Summary: a mad fic for my pal esme. isn't it lovely?


This is a fic for my friend Esme. Yaya!  
Features a naked [male Akito, two strange girls, polaroids and Doctor Who.  
Best with lashings of tea.  
And like a biscuit in tea, it dissolves towards the end.  
Don't own Fruits Basket, but I do own a basket of fruit.  
I don't own anything copyrighted in this, actually.  
APART FROM THE WAITING FOR THE COLESLAW.  
A'ight?

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'SHIGURE! SHIGUREEEEEEEEEE!'  
'Eh?'  
Shigure Sohma turned around in confusion. There was nobody behind him. How odd, but not unusual. _Ooh, maybe it's a lovely high-school fangirl who wishes to take me to her lair! _He thought wickedly, rubbing his hands together in glee and licking his lips.  
'SHIGUREEE!'  
He stopped rubbing his hands in glee and looked left, right, left, right, down, left, right, left, right, down...  
'SHIGURE, YOU ATROCIOUS FOOL, LOOK UP!'  
Shigure stopped his left-right-down-ing and looked up. He giggled as he saw Akito, wrapped in a rather tiny bathtowel, looking furious and hanging desperately onto a branch of the tree he was in.  
'Ah...Ah...AHAHAHAHAHAHA!'  
'This is no laughing matter, you vile oaf! And stop looking up my bathtowel!'  
Shigure stopped and clutched at his stomach in a effort to stop laughing.  
'Why are you in a tree, Akito?'  
'Because that total imbecile Kureno put me up here!'  
'Akito, why?'  
'I DON'T KNOW!'  
Akito wailed and grasped his bathtowel tighter to him, which was white and covered in adorable cartoon ducks.  
'Hang on, my darling Akii, I'll get you down!'  
Shigure ran off to find a ladder and came back with a camera, as that is the way he does things.  
'Say CHEESE!'  
'...cheese...'  
There was a blinding flash of light and a polaroid picture of a smiling Akito slid out of the camera with a whirr.  
'Ooh, I do love that whirring noise!' Cried Shigure in delight, grinning madly and dancing from foot to foot. Just then, Haru appeared in a poof of smoke.  
'Hello Haru!'  
'Good morn to you too, Shigure. Why is our dear head of family in a tree?'  
'BECAUSE KURENO PUT ME HERE, YOU STUPID OX!' screamed Akito, who was dangerously close to tears and whose bathtowel was now beyond his reach and on the top of Haru's head.  
'Ah, look, a bathtowel. Akito's bathtowel. How do you like being naked, Akito?' Haru said in the same monotone, looking up at Akito, who was now crying and clinging onto a branch.  
'I HATE IT! I BLOODY WELL HATE IT!'  
Meanwhile, Shigure was snapping pictures of Akito and wondering which of his websites he should post them on.

All of a sudden, Rin appeared with a ladder and a cup of tea. British tea. Twinings.  
'Hello, Rin.'  
'Hi, Haru.'  
'Aren't you two going to go make out or whatever it is you do now?' enquired Akito with a snide smile and clenched teeth.  
'You can't talk. You slept with BOTH Kureno and Shigure, and NOW YOU'RE NAKED! HAH!' shouted Rin furiously.  
'Don't waste your breath. Give me that ladder, please.'  
'No.' Rin pouted and leant it against a handy lamppost.  
'HAHA! FOOL!' Akito leapt from his branch, jumped onto the lamppost, slid down the ladder and danced on the pavement frantically. Shigure started snapping away frenziedly and Rin and Haru gasped in disbelief.  
'HAHA! I'M AKITO! AND NOW I'M MORE NAKED THAN EVER BEFOREEEE!'  
Following that up with a scream, Akito ran off into the distance with Rin hot on his tail, screaming about ladder-stealers and other obscure things that only Rin knows exist.  
'Should I go after her?'  
'Haru, have you seen how far away they are?'  
'I'd get lost again, wouldn't I.'  
'You would.'

Silence reigned until Tohru appeared in a catsuit and a poof of smoke.  
'Egad.'  
'Have you been going through Rin's wardrobe again?'  
'No, Shigure! I-I I would never do such a thing! I found it in Hatori's closet.'  
'My dear Haa-san has been wearing MY catsuits! Oh, the happiness!'  
Everyone turned.  
'My darling! Ayame! What are you doing here?!' squealed Shigure, going into spasms of joy.  
'There was no warning poof of smoke.' Haru wondered.  
'I don't need a poof of smoke! For I am SUPREEEEEEEME!'  
Just then, two girls appeared in between Shigure and Haru. One was tiny and cute with short browny-blonde hair, the other was slightly taller with yellowy hair and big eyes. The littler one clutched a Draco Malfoy plushie, the one with yellow hair held desperately onto an oversize cuddly horse with black and white markings.  
'Hey, that horse has my markings!' Haru shouted, pointing at it.  
'Yes...it does...' she mumbled, blushing madly and fluttering her eyelashes.  
'TEAAA! TEAAA! Oh my god, Yuki...' murmered the littler one, who a recently appeared Yuki was eyeing up appreciatively.  
'YES! TEAAA! Tea...and Haru...!!' screamed the other.  
Then they disappeared in a poof of smoke, leaving only a cardboard cutout of Mr Bean behind.  
'Shame. They were kinda cute.' remarked Haru, fiddling with his fingernails.  
'You pervert, Haru.' Yuki tutted, vexed.  
'You were doing it as well, PRINCE YUKI!' yelled Haru in sexy, sexy anger.  
'YOU STOP RIGHT THERE!' Yuki shouted, his hair flying prettily in the breeze.  
'YOU'RE BOTH BEING OBNOXIUS!' screamed a distraught Kyo, clutching his cute little kitty ears and mewling helplessly. Everyone turned.  
'How did you get here, Kyo?' Shigure exclaimed in suprise and astonishment.  
'I teleported! With the help of this guy and this big blue box...thing.' he explained, waving at a big blue postbox and a dashing young man in a pinstripe suit behind him. The two girls appeared again in a mysterious swirl of pink fluff.  
'Yay! We got our cue right this time, Esme!' squealed the one with oddly coloured hair, sipping her tea fast. Very fast.  
'Indeed so.' The littler one made a mock-serious face and pouted. Then, catching sight of the big blue box, she screamed 'TARDIS! DOCTOR WHO! KETTLE!'  
'Yes. Yes, I am the Doctor!' The man in the pinstripe suit stepped forward, grinning. Suddenly a kettle appeared in his hand. 'Fantastic! A kettle! What a piece of prehistoric domestic technology!' he cried, waving his arms around and gabbling madly.

There was a long, lust-filled and slightly dull silence. The two girls disappeared again like rabbits under the wheels of a speeding car in a swirl of blue fluff, and the doctor, before kissing Kyo full on the lips, much to his delight and Shigures camera-snapping, got into his blue box and faded away, leaving a breeze and a beautiful green glittery hat embellished with five leaf clovers. The Mr Bean cutout smiled daftly.  
'Well, that was a shock for all of us. I feel quite ruffled and shocked.' Haru said in the same flat tone, not looking in the least ruffled or shocked.  
The Mr Bean cutout smiled even more daftly, then fell over in the breeze.  
The quiet was broken by a thumping sound, and loud screaming.  
'What's that loud screaming?' Shigure pondered, placing his finger on his chin and being ponderous.  
'What's that thumping noise?' Yuki said to Kyo.  
'HOW SHOULD I KNOW, YA DAMN RAT?!'  
'I was only trying to be polite.'  
'Hmph.'  
The noise increased and Ayamed gave sudden shriek and spun around, his hair hitting Shigure full in the face. 'Look! A troupe of performers!'  
'Thats...oh my god...' Kyo went white and stared harder at the sigh before his eyes.  
'Oh...my...' Yuki whispered, covering his beautiful purple eyes in horror.  
'Its Akito!' Shigure declared.  
'And he's still naked!'

'HAAH! I'M NAKED! NAKEEEED!' screamed Akito, running round a nearby tree in circles and as naked as he had been before.  
'Mole rats! Mole rats! You must drink your tea, or the mole rats with spades, SPAAAADES WILL EAT YOUR BRAINS!' Rin shouted, running after him with a cup of tea slopping all over her arm, her hair flying like several long black ribbons in air, Kagura, Momiji, and Hatori all clinging onto them, their feet off the ground and Momiji's little lederhosen clinging to his legs tighter than anyone had ever seen them. Then in a fit of craziness, our dear Tohru-kun leapt on, her skirt acting as a sail, slowing Rin down.  
'Get off! GET OFF!' Rin yelled, but still running after Akito.  
Meanwhile, the cat, the rat, and the ox were all shaking in a handy corner.  
'N-N-N-naaa-ked...' stammered Kyo, his eyes wider than prawns in the mist.  
'A-A-A...Akkk-ii-to...' stuttered Yuki, shaking so much he could have exploited himself as a vibrator.  
Haru just stood there and shook for the hell of it, like the fool he is.  
Suddenly, Ritsu, Hiro and Momiji appeared in a small tornado of silk. Ritsu was clad in a tutu and stripey tights, and promptly started twirling to the tune of The Sugar Plum Fairy.  
'Awww, look at our baby Ritsu!' sniffed Shigure, immortalising the scene on camera with teary eyes.  
'How...how fabulous!' Ayame announced before bursting into tears and wiping his eyes with a lace hankerchief, which actually looked like a thong.  
'Is that a thong, Ayame dear?' Shiggy enquired, lifting the 'hankerchief' with delicate fingers.  
'Yes, it is! But it looks so nice it would be SUCH a shame to waste it under your clothes, where NO-ONE can see it! So I made a few modifications, and VOILA! Thong no more!'  
'You are an inspiration to us all, Ayame.' Kureno said solemnly, wiping his eyes with emotion and shaking his head. He sat down on the branch of the tree he was in and looked around thoughtfully.  
'No blonde-haired girls around, I suppose?' He asked hopefully.  
'Not the one you're looking for!' Shigure cackled, thinking back to that British newspaper with it's spectacular Page Three. Kureno sighed and cawed at the same time.  
'Shall we dance, Aya, my beautiful?' Shigure took Ayames hand and stared into his eyes. Ayame brushed a lock of hair away from Shigures face and leant in close, pressing his hips against Shigures and swaying slightly.  
'I know a jolly song!' he declared, bending Shigure over backwards.  
'Und was ist das?' The dog raised an eyebrow.  
'She's waiting for the co-o-ole-slaw...'

Hiro and Kisa stood back and observed the sight with pretty little eyes.  
Akito running naked around a tree, Kureno sitting in the tree, Rin runnning after Akito with Hatori, Kagura, Momiji and sail-girl Tohru clinging for dear life to her long black hair, Ayame and Shigure dancing hip-to-hip to a peculiar song that seemed to involve waiting and colesaw, Kyo and Yuki shaking in a corner, Haru shaking for the fun of it, and our darling baby Ritu dressed up in a tutu and striped tights, twirling to his hearts content.  
'Just a normal day.' sighed Hiro.  
Kisa said nothing. She just smiled.

THE END.

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Now you love me.  
Yes...you do...


End file.
